Lost Daughters Reviews of Finding Heart Horse & The Wall of Secrets

Years ago, when I began my last search in 2003, I didn’t have a computer, books, support, not even a person to talk to about what I was about to do.  In no time at all, a family was found living on the other side of Canada.

A birth mother with three siblings.  I can’t explain the shock, the wonder, the fear that appeared in an instant just saying those words.

After initial reunion…

After getting a computer and embracing the cyber world, I found that adoptees were out there and in fact connecting with each other to support, to assist, to understand.  I was struggling with so many things …alone and not understanding.  I came across a website called LOST DAUGHTERS.  It was me.  I was a lost daughter.

Lost Daughters had a profound effect on me.  I felt for the first time in my life, a sense of belonging.  A place that understood.  A place where other lost daughters came together in compassion and solidarity.  I was home.

I feel honoured that they have been a part of my journey and now have reviewed both FINDING HEART HORSE & THE WALL OF SECRETS



Being an Open Book


ImageI must have read this brilliant and reassuring saying hundreds of times during the past  seven years of writing these two memoirs.  At my most vulnerable times it kept me going, it kept me honest and open with my words.

I have several books that have been with my during this journey of self discovery.  One of them is The Right to Write by Julia Cameron.  My daughter gave it to me way before I felt I could tell or write even a sentence or two.  Just the title alone brings reassurance that yes….you have a right to tell your story.  

For so many people that have experienced trauma of any kind it so painful to bring it to light, never mind sharing it with others who may not understand.  It is however the most important thing you will ever do.

Knowing there are others who share in your journey is the very healing you need.  Writing it on paper takes it out of your body and allows you freedom to just “be”.


Blocked Emotions

The truth about childhood is stored up in our bodies and lives in the depths of our souls.  Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings can be numbed and manipulated, our perceptions shamed and confused, our bodies tricked with medication, but our soul never forgets.  And because we are one, one whole soul in one body, someday our body will present its bill.  The wounded and lost child is only in hiding:  the soul is still whole in spirit.  Ultimately, our deepest self will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting or contaminating us until we stop  evading the truth.”Alice Miller

Finding Heart Horse and The Wall of Secrets have been for me, the catalyst for self healing.  By being an open book, by being vulnerable and examining the stages of my life as an adoptee searching for a place in this world through writing, has led me to a place of peace and wholeness of self despite the trauma’s and abuse endured.

There were times in writing and in living I was curled up in fetal position with howls coming from a place I didn’t know existed.  A deep guttural place of a wounded animal screaming in pain.  The years before reunion I was that little girl above.  You would never guess it on the outside, although my daughter tells me I always looked sad and an old friend wrote a song about my sad eyes.  Yes, that typical adoptee aura that people can’t quite put their finger on was with me always.

I’m nervous that once the books are out and read, I will be judged and yet a stronger part of me feels it’s important to be free, be an open book, with hopes that someone will know they too, can survive.  That over rules any fear of judgement.  Those who judge won’t be in my life anyway and usually when judgment occurs it’s because of one’s own fears and doubts and it certainly doesn’t come from a place of love and understanding.

Julia Cameron says it’s human nature to write and that it claims our world making it specifically our own.  She also says we should write because humans are spiritual beings and writing is a powerful form of mediation and prayer and it connects us to our insights and the deeper level of inner soul guidance.  I believe that to be true.

Seven years ago I wouldn’t have called myself a writer or even a story teller.  Now I am both.  Don’t let fear get in the way of you telling your story.  Begin Now.


Telling Your Story



So, it’s been awhile since I blogged. Each day when I sit to write I find the day has been taken up by Finding Heart Horse and The Wall of Secrets, the two memoirs on their way.

Finding Heart Horse is now in the publishing stages with Balboa Press, a division of Hay House. I had no idea how much work was involved even before you can submit a manuscript and have spent weeks trying to get it all in place. The pictures, the formatting, the words and finally I had what I considered to be the full file. My story all typed neatly in a specific package, specific file as requested.

My story. I told my story! Inside my story is a hundred other stories each one begging for validation, for someone to hear, for someone to see, for someone to understand.

Isn’t that what we all want?

To be heard. To be acknowledged and validated especially when your story involves the pain of abuse and violence, adoption and trauma upon trauma. We want and need people to listen.

This blog came about because for me, after 7 yrs of writing these books, working through each and every story emotionally, I felt free. I was no longer my story. I had to roll in the gutters of Hell along the way. Covered in the dirt and grime of life stories I emerged feeling lighter, integrated and scared. It was on paper with all of the guts and gore and pain endured. Not easy by any means. To walk through those stories as if I were there in time was beyond excruciating . Sometimes, in disbelief I would reread and reread and wonder how I had survived at all. I was FREE.

The truth will find us out, but it will also set us free. The trick is…you have to tell the good and the bad. The blog came from a few requests by the publisher to “retell” a rape scene because I was only 16 at the time and underage. I also had to get rid of what I considered to be some of the most important pictures.

My immediate reaction was one of anger. I mean, come on! A rape is a rape is a rape no matter how graphically you describe it or blankly leave out the guts and gore. I felt unheard, unvalidated, unseen and dismissed as I was so long ago.

It appears then, that while most of my story is on the paper and out of “me” therein lies some residual triggers and why wouldn’t there be?

I lived with secrets for 5 decades. You can’t change those deeply ingrained emotional triggers overnight. After sitting with these feelings and recognizing where they came from I was able to let go and rewrite the scene with less graphics and know I am heard. I hope they know that this is only one of many other scenes to follow!



So I sat in reflection of how important it is to Tell Our Story. How important it is to listen to others tell their story. To listen with Compassion.

We all long for connection. When you tell your story it resonates with others. Person to person we connect, not in our pain but in the fact that we are healing, growing together by honouring each others stories and actually “seeing” the other person. The real person, all of the person, the good and the bad and ugly, if there really is such a thing. We are the ones that put those labels on.

In the superficial world of everyday life, people prefer to show their best side and hide any flaws out of fear perhaps or societal requirements. It’s when we tell our stories with truth and honestly, its when we make mistakes, or have to apologize or speak of failures that we become truly human and we connect with others in an authentic manner.

I see now in a different way Finding Heart Horse has blessed me with many lessons and will continue to do so as I work through each part of this publishing process I still need to work on healing my heart and telling my story is a huge part of the journey, I have to dig through the layers of hardened emotions if I want to rescue my heart that has so many cracks and patches already.

We all have these scars, but until we can look at our past in the eye and not blink, it will always be telling us to be less than we can be.

We carry our own pain but also part of the cosmic pain that connects our spirits together.

We really are one family.

Because we have room for our own pain, we have room for the pain of others and we can actually help to bear their suffering. Only then can pain be transformed into joy. When one heals, so does the rest of humanity, And when humanity heals, so will the planet.

Tell your story. Tell it in whatever way you choose. I’m listening with compassion.Image