I Surrender……Finding Peace beyond Finding Heart Horse

IMG_1488Its been a struggle this week.  Well, lots of weeks actually but particularly this one….this moment.  Eagle feathers have always held special meaning for me and I’ve accumulated a nice sized collection.  All have appeared when my spirit guides have been watching, guarding and all-knowing, that in this particular moment, I need a sign.

A sign to continue, a sign to end, a sign to let go, a sign to be still.  They answer it all.  Yesterday, I went for a short walk and there it was.  Slightly hidden out of view with only the very tip showing.  Had I not been watching, observing, walking mindfully (which is all you can do when you are carrying O2 and being walked by a blind dog) I would have missed it.

I have been sequestered.  Sequestered because I’ve been in a terrible mast cell reaction.   Sequestered because I’ve just now, this very moment submitted the last edit of the sequel to Finding Heart Horse…

The Wall of Secrets

Memoir of The Almost Daughter  

The experience of re reading, re writing, re reading again, over and over and over during a mast cell flare is literally indescribable.  I’m also awaiting the call to travel to Vancouver for the birth of my first GrandOne at the same time I’m writing again, reading again about when I gave birth and the intense realization of my birth mothers pain.

Add in to the mix, National Adoption Awareness Month, National Adoption Day and this years taking back  the power to speak by adoptees #flipthescript.  The cyber world has been bombarded by post after post from all sides…trigger after trigger…It’s been a struggle, the tears have been many, the illness horrific, the editing exhausting, debilitating at times. There was a deadline but I also wanted it done before I set out to welcome a new being.

Though it all, the newest eagle feather sat beside me.  I was also fortunate to have a treasured adoptee friend  present, although miles away, with words of compassion and the understanding of how it is, what it is and the recognition that even a few words of kindness can make a huge difference…thank you Lucy.

The good news is, The Wall of Secrets is on its way!

Next step, designing the cover and building my platform which must be stronger for a new launch to a new place.

 A Place of Surrender

The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace.

Anything you accept fully will take you into peace.

This is the miracle of surrender

Eckhart Tolle

If you haven’t already, you must read Finding Heart Horse.  It’s a book of hope, strength, resilience

Life always returns to the Heart

Hay House Radio Interview


Love seeing the blank writing space before me!

 My fingers shake and my eyes are prednisone blurry.  Slowly, I’m resurfacing.  As most of you know, I’ve been hospitalized most of the last several months dealing with Mastocytosis reactions/complications which I will write about next.  Today, I’m just dipping my toes in to the cool word stream.

I want to relaunch, review, revive

 Finding Heart Horse

I also want to let you know that the second memoir,

 The Wall of Secrets

waits patiently in the wings to be born as my strength allows..

It’s good to be back

I’m home

finding heart horse2952




Finding Heart Horse will break your heart, then stitch it back together with hope, gumption, and something we fellow adoptees like to call “adoptee resilience.” Although the first installment of Claire Hitchon’s memoir isn’t specifically about her adoption, we can see the fallout from a flawed institution that left her to be raised by an abusive mother and an emotionally impotent father. Claire knows deeply that something is wrong with them, but incorrectly believes in her young adult years that the fault ultimately lies with her-self.

But there exists something deep within her, a strength, an awareness of her basic goodness that allows Hitchon to survive living on the streets, prison and debilitating abuse of all kinds. The author uses her raw creativity and considerable artistic talents to find solace from her own personal demons, ultimately allowing her to connect with that enlivened horse spirit that she knows is buried under layers upon layers of trauma, self-hate, and utter confusion as to how to live life.

Hitchon leaves no holds barred in relating the exciting, yet devastating lifestyle she leads while coming of age in Toronto. I cannot wait to read the second installment of her memoir, The Wall of Secrets.

Laura Dennis

 Adult Adoptee in Reunion

Author of Adopted Reality, A Memoir

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Day 4 – 40 Day Self-Love Challenge

It’s late afternoon here on the “Island” and I was thinking of not writing anything.  I had been out to see my Naturopath who is frustrated with my health status, as all the other doctors are… never mind myself.  I could barely drag myself to the couch, heavy with that body numbing fatigue that sets in after a “degranulation of mast cells”.  I thought, “not today, tomorrow I’ll write.”  As I lay on the couch listening to Deva Premal I realized the whole purpose of a challenge was just that….a challenge.  A challenge is something you do even if you don’t really feel like it and I wouldn’t be honouring myself if I just let the day go without recognizing something in the “self-love” arena.  Today, that’s mighty difficult to do but here we go…

Today it’s all about the fact that I have taken a risk.  I have entered into a world of vulnerability by writing these words, by writing my story, by speaking my truth.  

Forming new patterns in the brain means taking risks and doing things we don’t usually do.  Every new pattern needs practice and this is my new practice,  paying attention to my thought patterns and how I speak to myself.  Our brains are actually quite pliable.  One wouldn’t think so when after so many years we keep slipping into the old ways and old tapes of negativity.  Again, it’s practice.  Like a meditation…you don’t get the full benefit if you don’t really pay attention and practice.

At the bottom of all of this is the fact that we/I may believe that I can’t…or shouldn’t..or won’t be good enough.  Those beliefs are so deep. You just have to jump in and say WTH and do it!

There is an acronym for the word RISK….

Release your attachment to the outcome.

Invest fully in your intention

Stand for the truth

Keep kindness a priority

I’m thinking about the stories in my book, about my health, about adoption, relationships..everything that I am taking a risk with.  Taking a risk by talking about things that for years were never to be discussed.  Secrets…so many secrets.

They say you are only as sick as the secrets you keep and I believe it to be true.  I wonder if the same thing goes for the secrets we keep about ourselves, in day to day interactions.

“How are you?”….”Fine” I say, keeping myself hidden, my pain hidden, my fatigue hidden, my loneliness hidden, my desire for a hug hidden.

Is that honouring yourself?  Why do we feel we have to pretend we are okay all of the time?  So other people don’t get upset?  So we don’t rain on somebody else’s parade?  That’s not self love.  Self love is asking for what you need.  

As I was telling my ND what I had been doing the past couple of weeks with my books and blog starting and the researching of genetics involved with mast cell disease all the while feeling so ill  she looked at me and said..”Are you not aware, that even for a healthy person that would be a lot?”  I’ve been told this before and it always takes me by surprise.  I think I need to say it to myself more and acknowledge that despite being sick for most of my life, I just pushed through.  I pushed through caring for 2 dying parents while working full time shift work as an RN and raising a daughter.  I pushed through fixing up an old house into a home because I never had one and I wanted my daughter to have what I never had.  I pushed through when I lost a dear friend to suicide.  I pushed through a search for my roots and in several short years met and lost a Mother I had only dreamt of having.  I pushed through writing my stories and feeling the losses and pain with each word as if I were writing with my own blood in gothic swirls.  I pushed through losing a family before I  really found them.  I pushed and pushed and pushed until I collapsed on the other side.

I took the risk.  I’m still taking the risks.  I will always take them because if you don’t, you will never know what’s on the other side.

It’s time to stop pushing now and acknowledge all I have accomplished and give myself permission to just let it come and I’ll roll with whatever you want to throw my way.  No more pushing.  Now I can surf the waves and ride them in peace. still taking the risks and be non attached to the outcomes because it really is all part of the journey.

Today, I acknowledge myself for all the risks and all the strength i have gained from taking them.    .