This video keeps appearing.
I watch it each time with new eyes and new thoughts. You know how things keep coming up.. several posts, several blogs, several fb messages are all relaying similar messages, so I’m compelled to write about it.
This time the video was posted on Covenant House FB page. A portion of Finding Heart Horse and The Wall of Secrets proceeds go to support their efforts in assisting kids to find their way in the world in a healthy way.
One of the Facebook posts last night was about PTSD. The words were so clear that I can’t help but repeat it here.
The mind replays what the Heart can’t Delete
wars of mind, of memory, of body
The brain and body don’t forget trauma
The Heart Refuses To
There are over 400,000 children in foster care. This film brings to awareness what some kids experience and to help adults understand life throughout the children’s eyes. At the end she says it all;
“I am loveable. I am worthy of care.”
How applicable in the adoptees world. I can’t even begin to discuss the “re-homing” issue that is so prominently displayed on Facebook. Pages, organizations, Craig’s List. Places where, if you don’t like the child you “got”, if they are too difficult to manage, if they don’t suit your “fancy” you are free to re-home them….no strings attached. Just like the little girl in the video..every day, adoptees appear on Craig’s List as giveaways.
When I was finally taken home as an infant it was on the condition that they “foster” me for two years perchance a boy became available. If that boy had become available…I would have been given back, just like the sweet child above. Just like the kids being re-homed on Craig’s List today.
She, with her perfect curls and homemade dress was not aware that her time, resting on the hopeful obtaining of a boy. In the meantime, she was already being trained to perform on command…just in case.
When you consider the added burden of trauma that most foster, adopted, re-homed children experience, how amazing that many are the most compassionate, caring souls that roam the earth. It is those who have dug their way out of the dark places and found the light that have the most understanding. Those, who have lived with little are the first to give to others as they know what it’s like to have nothing. Those who have had no one love them, no one in their corner are always the first to reach out to others. They know what it feels like to be alone in this world.
You would hope that people dealing with adoptees (as well as other children of the system) would understand the effects of trauma and PTSD and have more compassion. Not always. In the real world, not the work world, it is practically never. Everyone is so caught up in their own ego driven world they fail to really See, Hear, Be Present For, Have Compassion For …those who have struggled to find their way to the surface.
I speak as an adoptee who has navigated many trauma’s, abuse and rapes. I speak as an adoptee who had held out hope of finding family after decades of search. I speak as an adoptee who navigated a reunion where there was a Mother and siblings. The Family I longed for all of my life.
Looking back, I wonder if I had better understanding, if they had better understanding of my history of trauma, my PTSD, my impending diagnosis of Mastocytosis…would it have been different?
The constant tears, the fatigue, the grief and sadness was partly just that. I know now that a huge part was mast cell degranulation affecting mast cells in the brain. If understanding had been on the table on all sides what a difference it would have made.
It could have been a family healing…could have been.
As Bert Hellinger says in his books on family constellations…energetically there is something missing in their world as well, something isn’t right, a piece is missing when a child is given away. Healing must be done as a whole family.
There is healing. As the sweet child in the film says at the end;
“I am loveable. I am worthy.”
We can, with practice, spiritual or otherwise, experience beautiful moments of the heart, a return to dignity, to the wise and gracious spirit that is found within always. As we learn to navigate our difficulties with compassion and grace, Joy will also return.
Life is trouble.. according to Zorba, and yet, your difficulties and sorrows do not define you.
They do not limit who you are. Sometimes, when life is really overwhelming and the struggles great, you can mistake them for your life. They are not the end of your story, they are just a small part of it, a part of your path to great love and understanding, Part of the intricate dance of love and humanity.
My hope is everyone will watch the video and give pause to thought. For all of us, but especially those of us who have been that little girl….let the spirit of self-compassion grow in you. Sense how you can carry the soul of wisdom and compassion within your own heart. Know that you will get through your difficulties with dignity and your capacity to love.
You are more than your story, more than your trauma and pain, more than your PTSD, more, more, more
Remember who you really are and know you are loved