Undones, Do You Have Them?



Having faced death several times myself and recently experiencing the deaths of two very special people, I find myself preoccupied with loss.

Adoptees tend to do that of course. Our beginnings in utero had already started the prewiring necessary for our survival which was begun with loss of our mother.

Of course, I’d like to be thinking of sunshine and rainbows, but the reality for all of us is that death is inevitable. It could be tonight even.. It will come whether you’re ready or not. That is a certainty and we don’t have many of those in this life.

My life has been filled with loss as most adoptees are. The loss of our mother, our family, our heritage, our genetic markers, our family dynamics. Each future loss such as the recent losses I’ve mentioned open that old wound.

Then of course you add in the numerous losses one tends to accumulate over the years and suddenly life appears to hold nothing but darkness, silence, the sound of tears dropping, emptiness, loss of health. Living with an illness that could at any moment take my life brings it all to the frontline.

Being a practicing Buddhist I’m well prepared for the inevitable. I don’t fear death at all and in fact, at times would welcome it. Most people living with Mast Cell Disease can attest to that when you’ve spent days in excruciating pain, vomiting into a pail, fighting the anaphylaxis demons with epinephrine.

That in no way means I want to die. It means I believe one has to prepare for their own death in order to live. A close encounter with death can bring a real awakening, a transformation in our whole approach to life.

The Nature of everything is illusory and ephemeral,

Those with dualistic perception regard suffering as happiness, Like they who lick the honey from a razor’s edge. How pitiful they who cling strongly to concrete reality:

Turn your attention within, my heart friends.

The above is a verse of a poem by contemporary master, Nyoshul Khenpo. It clearly outlines the need to reflect deeply on impermanence. It’s very difficult to turn our attention within and so easy to allow our old habits, our set patterns to rule us! To reflect on this, slowly brings us wisdom. Watch how you repeatedly fall into the same old habits that always bring you suffering. Again, and again, and again. With observance and practice we can slowly emerge and change.

Your Undones…

Your undones are that persistent, niggling, feeling that is sent to you from The Universe, Your Higher Self, how ever you think of what is “out there”. It’s telling you that you have unfinished business. Business that will pester you, stress you and take your energy until you complete it. Mental nags are undones. They remind you that you have broken agreements with yourself and time and time again you’ll notice they rob you of your self respect. Creativity…gone. True joy…gone. Internal peace…gone. You are able to get back all of those things if you complete your undones.

Right now in your mind I’m sure you can identify several. I know I can. They could be unresolved conflicts, withheld forgiveness, appreciation not mentioned, love not given, goals not met, promises not kept. Your life is probably full of many more not mentioned. They come in every size, shape, and in each and every area of your life. Check your basement. It’s probably full of undones.

Let this sink in…You won’t find peace until these undones are completed. Just remember, life is short and very unpredictable.

I Surrender……Finding Peace beyond Finding Heart Horse

IMG_1488Its been a struggle this week.  Well, lots of weeks actually but particularly this one….this moment.  Eagle feathers have always held special meaning for me and I’ve accumulated a nice sized collection.  All have appeared when my spirit guides have been watching, guarding and all-knowing, that in this particular moment, I need a sign.

A sign to continue, a sign to end, a sign to let go, a sign to be still.  They answer it all.  Yesterday, I went for a short walk and there it was.  Slightly hidden out of view with only the very tip showing.  Had I not been watching, observing, walking mindfully (which is all you can do when you are carrying O2 and being walked by a blind dog) I would have missed it.

I have been sequestered.  Sequestered because I’ve been in a terrible mast cell reaction.   Sequestered because I’ve just now, this very moment submitted the last edit of the sequel to Finding Heart Horse…

The Wall of Secrets

Memoir of The Almost Daughter  

The experience of re reading, re writing, re reading again, over and over and over during a mast cell flare is literally indescribable.  I’m also awaiting the call to travel to Vancouver for the birth of my first GrandOne at the same time I’m writing again, reading again about when I gave birth and the intense realization of my birth mothers pain.

Add in to the mix, National Adoption Awareness Month, National Adoption Day and this years taking back  the power to speak by adoptees #flipthescript.  The cyber world has been bombarded by post after post from all sides…trigger after trigger…It’s been a struggle, the tears have been many, the illness horrific, the editing exhausting, debilitating at times. There was a deadline but I also wanted it done before I set out to welcome a new being.

Though it all, the newest eagle feather sat beside me.  I was also fortunate to have a treasured adoptee friend  present, although miles away, with words of compassion and the understanding of how it is, what it is and the recognition that even a few words of kindness can make a huge difference…thank you Lucy.

The good news is, The Wall of Secrets is on its way!

Next step, designing the cover and building my platform which must be stronger for a new launch to a new place.

 A Place of Surrender

The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace.

Anything you accept fully will take you into peace.

This is the miracle of surrender

Eckhart Tolle

If you haven’t already, you must read Finding Heart Horse.  It’s a book of hope, strength, resilience

Life always returns to the Heart

Hay House Radio Interview

Emotion……Energy….In motion

ImageDo you know where your heart is?  Do you know what’s in it?  I mean, not in a medical way but an energetic way.  All logic has told us that our five senses cannot manfully explain or represent the existence of our soul, our heart, our energy.

Our five senses belong to the higher order of logic and understanding, therefore we need to pay close attention to feelings.  Because of this we have delegated the heart as the sensor to external energy and emotion.  Somewhere along the line we decided that feelings were nothing more than unnecessary add ons  that were capable of creating pain and dysfunction.  With this idea, most people tend to repress their emotions in fear of pain.

I was just over on Lost Daughters blogspot where a discussion about parenting was taking place and how adoption has affected our individual parenting styles.  As adoptees we come from a place of primal pain, primal wound.  A place so deep and dark many of us don’t even recognize that it’s there buried in the rubble of our fractured hearts.  It usually isn’t until we decide to search for our roots that we begin to peel back the layers and discover the buried trauma, the buried coping skills we have utilized to protect and save us from an unfriendly world.

When we close the door to our feelings we also close the door to the vital currents that energize and activate our thoughts and actions.  We can’t begin the process of understanding the effects of our emotions upon us, our environment and other people.  Without awareness of our emotions we cannot associate the effects of anger, sadness, grief or joy within ourselves or others…with their causes.

 There is no distinguishing between which part is personality and that part of us that is soul or heart.  Without awareness of our feelings we cannot experience compassion.  How can we share the sufferings and the joys of others if we cannot experience our own?

Everyone, not just adoptees needs to become intimate with their emotions.  Emotion is energy.  Becoming aware of this energy is the first step of learning how our experiences come into being and why.  For myself, with my multiple layers of trauma to peel back, it’s taken a lifetime of exposing, and expressing the layers as they became available and I’m not done yet.

Emotion reflects Intention.  If you are aware of your emotion then you become aware of your intention.  Sounds simple enough doesn’t it?  Not quite.  If you see a discrepancy between a conscious intention and the emotion that accompanies it you may see a part of yourself that requires healing.  For example, when I met my Birth Mother I wanted it to be a happy, joyful occasion but in fact, I was terrified and filled with such sadness it was unbearable.  Obviously, there was a great discrepancy.  I discovered a place of grief and loss i could barely stand it.

It’s all about understanding energy and how our emotions run on frequency spectrums.  As you work through your layers of emotion you begin to see that you can step away objectively and actually control your feelings.  Being aware brings you to a way of living in peace,  A place of being where when you are open to your emotions, to your place of pain. it will then bring you closer to your heart.  Being aware leads to an open heart.

Do you know what triggers your emotions?  Do you know how they impact every single aspect of your daily life?  Do you have any idea of the power of thought?

 Since being diagnosed with mast cell disease and really paying attention to my emotion and my energy, it has become so clear how the two are intertwined.  Each trauma I experienced early in life, from surgery to rapes, upped the ante and my disease progressed as if it were climbing stairsteps to the ultimate top where reunion sent it over the edge into the abyss of mast cell hell.  I can pinpoint each and every step.  Needless to say, I’m very careful with my self talk now and my energy.

If you have 70,000 thoughts a day, can you imagine if you thought negatively for 60,000 of those, the damage it would do to your body, life, relationships.  We are energy, our thoughts are energy and affect every cell either in a positive or negative way.

There are no shortcuts.  Life mastery stems from emotional mastery which comes from digging thru the layers and discovering what you are really made of.  Only then can you say you have achieved self mastery and an open heart.

It’s not an easy place to go… This deep cavern of emotion.  Once you get through one layer and know you survived, you begin to notice a feeling of lightness and exhilaration.  It requires perseverance but is something that will transform every aspect of your life.  Find those core beliefs, the ones we have lived with most of our life without awareness.  Dig them up and take a good look.  Ask yourself what purpose they fulfil  in your life and if they are really true, then get rid of them and live a compassionate life with your heart wide open.

I put that saying at the top because some of the most beautiful people I have met in my life have been through the most horrific experiences and yet they were just that…beautiful souls.

 As a nurse, many times I have had with the privilege to sit with and hold hands with, souls that are in the death process, children included.  The most amazing stories have been told and emotions shared, truths spoken….such beautiful souls.

 The stories on the streets you hear will break your heart and yet they look at you with kindness in their eyes and hide hearts of gold….such beautiful souls.

 In Northern Lao, when I visited the hill tribes who lived with nothing and yet were always smiling and willing to share whatever they had….such beautiful souls.

It is here adoption comes in and the many people I have come to know and love.  Our journeys shared and emotions bared….all with open hearts and a compassion so profound wrapped in such strength …..such beautiful souls.

It is here with fellow mast cell disease sufferers  I discovered such strength and heart  with endless compassion for another’s suffering despite dealing daily with such emotional and physical pain. themselves…..such beautiful souls.

They live among us.  Take time to get to know them,  to listen to them and learn from them.  They live with hearts wide open…..beautiful souls