I’ve held it, opened it, moved it around, read a line or two, shed a tear or two and felt very vulnerable.
I’m finally, after 8 years of writing, setting the first part of this journey free. Into the world Heart Horse goes, and I’m ready. Bring it on.
Bring on whatever you have to say, in fact, I really want to hear it.
I want you to convince me adoption doesn’t have ramifications.
I want you to convince me abuse doesn’t leave scars.
I want you to convince me that the Primal Wound and In Utero Learning doesn’t exist and create a lifetime of ingrained belief systems that make it so difficult to know and feel loved.
I would love to know that all those things mean nothing and the slate will be wiped clean with a bit of therapy. I know better. The damage is done. The scars are deep and the pain unrelenting, affecting everyone around us. All we can do is learn to “manage” these beliefs.
Brene’ Brown’s interview with Elizabeth Gilbert was inspiring.
Elizabeth said, “I live a creative life, and you can’t be creative without being vulnerable.
I believe that Creativity and Fear are basically conjoined twins; they share all the same major organs, and cannot be separated, one from the other, without killing them both. And you don’t want to murder Creativity just to destroy Fear.”
FINDING HEART HORSE is my journey of search and survival. There are things in Finding Heart Horse that will make you squirm in distaste and repulsion. There are horrors described by a 16 year old that no one should ever endure. The raw life of living on the streets in the late 60’s when drugs and peace were the norm. Unfortunately it quickly turned into wars and violence that spilled into my world.
Looking back I now see that my entire life has been spent in the never-ending search.
The search for where I belonged.
The search for acceptance and love. The search for my tribe, my family, my roots.
The only thing that kept me alive was “Heart Horse” and the dream of someday catching a wild horse. Without him, i wouldn’t be here to write.
It’s only one part of the journey. The Wall of Secrets will be out soon and is part of “the all”. Without The Wall filled with drawers to store my many traumas and secrets, I would not have survived.
As I hold my book and feel it’s energy…..books do have energy you know…a sense of peace, a vibration of knowing and acceptance radiates from the pages. As Heart Horse is being set free, so am I.
Mark Epstein in his book “The Trauma of Everyday Life” says;
By not fighting with his internal wounds, by not insisting on making them go away,
by not recruiting everyone in his intimate life to save him from his feelings of abandonment,
by simply resting with them the way we do in meditation, he could learn,
as the Buddha did, that he already was the love he thought he lacked.”
FINDING HEART HORSE is now available on Amazon, Chapters.Indigo
It will be a brave journey you take when you enter my world. Please leave and honest review.
Learn what adoption does to a person, what abuse creates and together we can and will make a change.