“I seem to myself, as in a dream,
An accidental guest in this dreadful body.”
The reality of asking that question is you didn’t go anywhere, I wasn’t here. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed being able to sit up and write. I’ve missed being able to see clearly the words I want to write. I miss sitting on my meditation cushion as I write..yes, I really do that! I’ve missed knowing you are still connected and care.
My absence has been controlled by my misbehaving mast cells wrecking havoc within my already depleted encasing. In the last 10 days I have been in the hospital, pumped full of drugs and released, feeling worse than I went in. Wednesday I began a drug trial of injections that may, yes may, in 6 months or more help control my mast cells. May…If I can tolerate the side effects. It left me in a cold sweat, unable to move without retching, with horrid pain, electrical currents striking in various areas. My bottle of water tastes like metal. My toast like cardboard. Well that might be the bread actually. My throat is sore, head pounding, face swollen, everything from a normal mast cell day quadrupled. Still, I may consider another next month.
The only way I can get thru this is to fall back on the beliefs that even this, is not permanent. This is just my life, nothing more. There is nothing wrong with it even tho’ I feel sick in this moment.
It will pass.