Does it Ever End?

I’m feeling conflicted as I write.  So much in the adoptee world this week about adoptive parents killing their adopted children, keeping them in basements to abuse, selling them on the market for sex, and then, “rehoming them” when they get tired of the responsibility or have outlived their use.

After writing the review for The Declassified Adoptee’s book “Essays of an Adoption Activist” I felt the increasing need to be fighting for change in how the adoption system  works.  The conflict comes, for me, in my own physical ability to do just that, energy wise, because of being ill with Systemic Mast Cell Disease, then I realized that I am, in my own way, fighting as hard as I can by writing Finding Heart Horse and The Wall of Secrets  and putting my words, my life, my trauma out in the world for all to see.  It is because of adoption and abuse that I entered in to such a world of trauma.

My heart breaks reading about the last few little babes who were killed and how helpless they were to do anything, say anything.  We have to be their voices.  We can’t be silent any longer.  Each one of us must find our own unique way to advocate for change, foster education, end violence and abuse in the system.

I will be speaking with kids at Covenant House, street kids, adopted like i was at age 15.  This will be my activism, practicing compassion, listening to stories and sharing hope.

Taking Wing

This photo by Robin Toma was taken in Vancouver, Downtown Eastside.  A place where I once roamed for a brief time after hitchhiking out west as a young teen.


For those of us who have taken the journey of search and reunion know that what is lost can be found, but never fully recovered.

Most of us at one time hoped that we would experience a recovery of sorts, find a family, be part of, at last belong, be loved.  What we were seeking may return in many forms but never  the shape of  what might have been.

I’m sure the integration process is ever quite complete, never quite finished, never whole.  We may feel more grounded because we now know our story, or part of, but our lifetime will be spent grabbing onto brief flashes of insight that fly by with the wings on the wind.

Each  flash brings with it tears, grief, loss, sadness.  While reading  this past weeks news in adoption land I was overcome with a wash of sadness and compassion for all of us, for little Hyun-su and those who are still encased in the system

The Buddha taught that a person needs to develop two qualities: wisdom and compassion.  These two qualities work together like wings allowing us to fly or two eyes, allowing us to see deeply.

 Those of us who grew up without love, without a mother, or those stifled by abuse, rapes or violence find it extremely difficult to love ourselves.  Adoptees suffer from the primal wound and of course, if your own mother didn’t want you or love you….  How could you possible love yourself.


In this picture I was just a bit younger than the latest victim of adoption violence..Hyun-su.  His death twisted my guts in a knot and I felt ill, chills ran down my spine.  Even now when I look at my picture above I get the chills. It could have been me.  I have that blank stare, the detachment, the clenched fist.   Adoptees feel a visceral response to  an others pain.

 Why then is it so difficult to have compassion for ourselves, for our inner child that suffered just like Hyun-su.

It never ends…

It’s important we all work on our own self compassion first.  For many of us that means going back to that frozen place.  That place of abandonment where the other self waits, in tears,  yearning for his/her mother to soothe and love.

  It’s a must if we want to heal and be able to offer our compassion to others.  It all goes back to our deep-seated belief systems and our belief that we are separate from each other, from the universe.  We aren’t ..we are part of…If you hurt, I hurt.  Collectively we all hurt.  If we start being kind to ourselves, speaking with compassion and tenderness to ourselves and others, the world will indeed change.

A subtle form of Activism yet so powerful

Self-Compassion means to be fully aware and to fully BE with yourself in a deeply aware and non-judging way.  As I was writing these last 8 years I have had to relive that little girls pain of the primal wound, the teens pain of rape, the adults pain of not belonging, of not knowing love.  I had to sit with myself with care and concern, solitude, sensitivity, tenderness, acceptance, kindness.

I was terrified. It was so difficult to do.  I shed many tears just holding myself in that place that was so full of pain.  To see myself from a place of non-judgment and feel the pain without covering it up or trying to fix it has been the most difficult journey of all.

 It never ends.

At the core of every wound is a belief that we are not worthy of love.  It’s a belief. Ask yourself if it’s true.   Look at that little girl above.  Is she not worthy of being loved.  Absolutely.  It’s a belief, a belief only I can change or you can change. Self compassion=change.  We have the ability to change beliefs once we recognize they just aren’t true.

We all have our triggers.  As described in A New Earth, our pain body carries our triggers.  Any circumstance that triggers emotional pain is an opportunity to practice self compassion and sit with ourselves in tenderness on a deep level.  If we sit long enough, dig deep enough we find the core shame that is buried in the rubble of beliefs.  It’s an opportunity to heal…use it.

Accepting the circumstances surrounding our triggers is needed to move forward.  All the should have’s, would have’s, why me’s, are a waste of energy.

 It happened.

Ultimately, we are responsible for everything that we’re feeling, thinking, saying, or doing..not the other person.

No, it never ends, but we can make this world a better place by telling our stories with compassion and grace.  One by one.. we are doing just that.  There is a shift happening, not only with our adoption system but with the world and it starts with you, with your own self compassion.

It never ends…but it gets better..Find your Wings

12 thoughts on “Does it Ever End?

  1. I was adopted and raised, upper class california life, and for my 15th birthday….no notice….I was sent to an “alternative” school. The only virgin and non-drug addict at the school….long story short….I had been REABANDONED. The “school” was later closed for sexual abuse and I found stranger after stranger to take me in. Rape took my virginity (minus 1experience at the “school) and while I’d find ways to call “home” all I was told was, “I can’t talk now….we’re packing for Hawaii.” I have written my story and desperately NEED HELP getting it edited and PUBLISHED. It is hard for me to work on my writing because I don’t like to think of any of it, though it plays through my mind relentlessly, thus it effects everything I do. I AM AN ADOPTEE WHO HAS GONE THROUGH HELL. I AM HERE TO FINALLY STAND UP…I AM GOING TO FINALLY TELL!! I know my wealthy family left me on St. Louis gang riddled streets to die, refusing me a birth certificate and telling me my birth mom was dead, but guess what I DIDNT DIE. I may have found my real mom and the truth 6months too late, just six months after her death, and I may be thirty six years old FINALLY STANDING UP TO SPEAK but guess what…I made it! And I am here to TELL. TELL for all the forgotten, daddy’s favorite, basement abused, beated and battered babies who are not here and unable to stand. I AM HERE TO STAND FOR US ALL. I HAVE A NAME. I AM SOMEONE. MY NAME IS SADIE.

    • Sadie…omg! Just reading your post gave me the chills. Thank you, thank you for writing it, right now, right here. You are going to speak your truth. I could do a happy dance with fact, I will virtually spin you around and tell you how happy I am to hear that!! Honest…chills Sadie..chills. You are absolutely someone..someone very special. You are a survivor and now a thriver! I know how hard it is to find you voice and how frightening it can be. Know you are not alone…ever. Please keep me posted and thank you again for writing! ((hugs))

      • Thank you very much. I am new to FB and hopefully I can learn fast 🙂 Yes, it is very scary to talk, thank u so much. I truly hope I can open peoples eyes and create my dream of “check back laws” ….one 5 year “spot check” and another 10 year “check back”. Maybe it could help the pedophiles and the wicked think twice before adopting.

  2. Wow Claire–I know you will be fantastic speaking with the kids–when you’ve lived it, only then can you really have a voice and you’ve lived it!

  3. It never ends, until the day the World loose its blindfold. Hopefully in this generation. You write from your heart, and that is so good to know. We are legion soon who speaks out to the world. It’s time, the adoptionbusiness is an overriped tomato. Namasté

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