As yesterdays post was about my emotions that surfaced when told I couldn’t use certain pictures or certain graphics describing a rape at age 16…I felt I should at least put something under the Books tab!
Seven years in the writing of this memoir and another called The Wall of Secrets (released after Finding Heart Horse) have taken me to depths I could not have imagined, Depths of my soul so dark and painful they had been hidden away in my Wall of Secrets for five decades.
As I began the journey of transformative writing, the layers were peeled back, one by one, each one requiring time, solitude, meditation, contemplation, grieving and finally acceptance of all that never was, all that had happened to me (for me) and where I was now.
There was always the knowing, that a book lived inside of me, but I had no ending. I’m still not sure if you ever find “the end”, probably not. What I did find was the reason, the symbolism of my Heart Horse and that in itself became an end and a new beginning.
Have you ever wanted something so badly it was all you could think of? All you could talk about, write about, dream about. I did. I wanted a horse.
Finding Heart Horse is my journey, my search for my Heart Horse.
It takes me from being “The girl most likely to succeed” to a life on the streets of Yorkville, Toronto in the late 60’s.
As an adopted child I had no identity, no history, no place where I “fit”. My years on the streets led me into many dark places where I begin to add more secrets and traumas to my already large collection.
Always, in the back of my mind, Finding Heart Horse lives. My uncle told me a story when I was little about finding a wild horse and being able to keep him, if I could catch him. That dream, kept me alive in the days of Hell that unfold during my search for self.
Life changed quickly in those days. From Peace and Love to War and Violence. I went along for the ride not knowing where it would lead, just that I had to find Heart Horse.
We all have different journeys on this earth but the essence is the same. We all want to belong, to be loved, to be wanted and to be happy.
In this memoir many life lessons are learned, spirituality discovered and the reality of opposites is proven. Without experiencing pain we have no peace. Within despair you find hope. On the other side of sadness comes joy.
Haven’t we all wanted for something so powerful, so magnetic, so magical you couldn’t resist it’s pull? Even not knowing what you will find at the end you knew you must follow the journey in order to live.
Perhaps, you may even find your very own Heart Horse.