This is a picture of the River Ganges I took in 2010 when on a Buddhist Pilgrimage in India. We were in a boat at sunrise to witness the sacred ceremony of the cremation of bodies brought from all over the continent. River Ganga is associated in myth and reality and you see both. It’ is believed bathing in the river will allow your sins to flow away bringing you closer to Nirvana. Many leave the ashes of their beloveds in the water. As the first Prime Minister of India said, “The Ganga, is ever changing, ever flowing, and yet ever the same Ganga.” It was one of the most profound experiences of my life in many ways. I think of it often, especially these past few years as I was writing and witnessing the may profound losses in my own life.
There is sadness in my heart today. I will choose however to Believe In Life, Not Loss.
As an adoptee our lives are filled with extreme loss and then along the way, we accumulate the losses as everyone does. I happened to be one of the people that suffered many personal losses while a young and vulnerable age. People I considered family while living on the streets, my vulnerability after rapes and beatings, my innocence and trust. I also lost my belief that life would bring anything good, and real, and trustworthy. I had no basis to form that foundation on.
To believe in life means we can trust. We can trust that those that love you will be there for you when you need them. You can trust in the rhythm of live and its constant changes, even when it comes with pain. I’m trying so hard to believe, to trust. I want to and yet feel that each time I extend my hand, say something others don’t like, or just be myself I end up alone and in that place of loss.
I don’t want to believe in Loss anymore. I’ve experience a lifetime of it and when you “go there” you have to grieve, feel the pain, get fixated on what was taken from us especially in adoption loss, It’s not easy when it keeps coming back, over and over again. I judge myself harshly and that too must flow down the Ganga with yet another loss.
I’m not afraid now to move forward away from the loss, the person, place or thing that I have clung to because I was afraid of another loss.
As I sat in meditation this morning with tears I decided that I want to live life, not loss. My books are my life story now. My story of loss. It’s no longer who I am since it’s on paper and I feel so much lighter and open to love.
From Today on, this moment on..I am living in Life not Loss. As the Ganga flows on, ever changing, ever flowing, yet always the same…so am I.