Today I am going to tell that little girl that she matters. She matters a great deal. She was meant to be here and her life has meaning.
“Keep knocking, and the joy inside will eventually open a window and look out to see who’s there.”
This morning, someone noticed. Someone noticed I wasn’t around much in the world of writing in the cyber world. My friend Kim from Muse in The Valley noticed and took the time to check in with me and see if all was ok.
As an adoptee there will always be deep seated beliefs that need recognizing, reframing and relearning. Just as non-adoptees only these are ingrained from the Primal Wound, in utero most likely.
These beliefs don’t come from the neocortex, if they did they would be easy to change. They are feelings, emotions, senses all products of the Limbic system. Look at that little girl. Already at that tender age these fixed beliefs were evident. As I looked through pictures to put in my first memoir Finding Heart Horse, I was struck by the fact that all…yes….all of my pictures look just like her. Disconnected, sad, aware that she doesn’t matter and must do what is asked of her.
I need to connect with her. Convince her that she does indeed matter and people do and will miss her presence in this world. Convince her that she has an impact and is loved by the person that is now wrapped around her little being in this adult body.
Of course, intellectually i recognize this, analyze it, work on it, over and over and over. I need to learn to feel it. Believe it. Soak in the moments that present themselves that tell me she matters, that I matter.
Acting solely from emotion is dangerous for people who have suffered trauma. When you have Primal Wound trauma along with severe PTSD from rapes and beatings and life on the streets where death is always one step behind you triggers are many. Eckhart Tolle talks about the “Pain body” in his book The New Earth. It was with that information that I recognized how much pain I was carrying and how my every minute was being triggered constantly in reunion. Emotions run high in the internal world of adoptees and one has to step outside of themselves and see objectively that it is this pain body screaming from the emotions holed up inside the soul. Once you can see…from the outside you understand it actually has nothing to do with the present situation.
Being and staying in the present while digging in the dark places of the soul to retrain, reframe belief systems isn’t easy. Layer by layer by layer you dig, and heal, and dig some more in order to get to your heart, the place that holds the love for that little girl.
They say there are five levels of healing. They jump around in no particular order just like the grieving process and it may take days or years depending how willing you are to do the work.
It’s like hauling away heavy rock and sediment by the handful. First you dig through anger, then sadness, fear, longing and forgiveness. You will know each level intimately and be able to call it by name. Every time you shed a tear, express your anger, feel your fear or admit a longing you are getting closer and closer to being able to rescue your heart. You need to learn to feel them and then let them go.
In Buddhism we are considered to already be diamonds. Like the lotus flower which I consider to be the symbol of my life. The lotus grows in and through the mud eventually becoming the most beautiful flower that opens petal by petal and is then able to show the world it’s beauty fully bloomed. I’m still finding my diamonds and shining them up. I’m out of the mud and beginning to bloom. And still, even with that awareness….when I look at that little girl, I can see that those old beliefs are still there.
I will continue, day by day to say to her…that she matters…that she would be missed…but most of all she is loved and wanted.