It’s late afternoon here on the “Island” and I was thinking of not writing anything. I had been out to see my Naturopath who is frustrated with my health status, as all the other doctors are… never mind myself. I could barely drag myself to the couch, heavy with that body numbing fatigue that sets in after a “degranulation of mast cells”. I thought, “not today, tomorrow I’ll write.” As I lay on the couch listening to Deva Premal I realized the whole purpose of a challenge was just that….a challenge. A challenge is something you do even if you don’t really feel like it and I wouldn’t be honouring myself if I just let the day go without recognizing something in the “self-love” arena. Today, that’s mighty difficult to do but here we go…
Today it’s all about the fact that I have taken a risk. I have entered into a world of vulnerability by writing these words, by writing my story, by speaking my truth.
Forming new patterns in the brain means taking risks and doing things we don’t usually do. Every new pattern needs practice and this is my new practice, paying attention to my thought patterns and how I speak to myself. Our brains are actually quite pliable. One wouldn’t think so when after so many years we keep slipping into the old ways and old tapes of negativity. Again, it’s practice. Like a meditation…you don’t get the full benefit if you don’t really pay attention and practice.
At the bottom of all of this is the fact that we/I may believe that I can’t…or shouldn’t..or won’t be good enough. Those beliefs are so deep. You just have to jump in and say WTH and do it!
There is an acronym for the word RISK….
Release your attachment to the outcome.
Invest fully in your intention
Stand for the truth
Keep kindness a priority
I’m thinking about the stories in my book, about my health, about adoption, relationships..everything that I am taking a risk with. Taking a risk by talking about things that for years were never to be discussed. Secrets…so many secrets.
They say you are only as sick as the secrets you keep and I believe it to be true. I wonder if the same thing goes for the secrets we keep about ourselves, in day to day interactions.
“How are you?”….”Fine” I say, keeping myself hidden, my pain hidden, my fatigue hidden, my loneliness hidden, my desire for a hug hidden.
Is that honouring yourself? Why do we feel we have to pretend we are okay all of the time? So other people don’t get upset? So we don’t rain on somebody else’s parade? That’s not self love. Self love is asking for what you need.
As I was telling my ND what I had been doing the past couple of weeks with my books and blog starting and the researching of genetics involved with mast cell disease all the while feeling so ill she looked at me and said..”Are you not aware, that even for a healthy person that would be a lot?” I’ve been told this before and it always takes me by surprise. I think I need to say it to myself more and acknowledge that despite being sick for most of my life, I just pushed through. I pushed through caring for 2 dying parents while working full time shift work as an RN and raising a daughter. I pushed through fixing up an old house into a home because I never had one and I wanted my daughter to have what I never had. I pushed through when I lost a dear friend to suicide. I pushed through a search for my roots and in several short years met and lost a Mother I had only dreamt of having. I pushed through writing my stories and feeling the losses and pain with each word as if I were writing with my own blood in gothic swirls. I pushed through losing a family before I really found them. I pushed and pushed and pushed until I collapsed on the other side.
I took the risk. I’m still taking the risks. I will always take them because if you don’t, you will never know what’s on the other side.
It’s time to stop pushing now and acknowledge all I have accomplished and give myself permission to just let it come and I’ll roll with whatever you want to throw my way. No more pushing. Now I can surf the waves and ride them in peace. still taking the risks and be non attached to the outcomes because it really is all part of the journey.
Today, I acknowledge myself for all the risks and all the strength i have gained from taking them. .